You should play games with your children... and you should win.

My friend’s six-year-old son was bragging to me about what a great chess player he was. It wasn’t the first time.

And he asks me if I'm a good chess player. I say, “Well, I guess I’m average for a grown man. I'm probably good compared to a six-year-old.” He says, “Nobody can beat me. I played my dad 200 times (he's a lawyer), and he only won twice.”

And then he keeps pushing and wants to play me so I finally relent and we sit down with his brother watching and start a game.

As we play, I can see he's a pretty solid little chess player, but he has no strategy. I also realize after about 5 minutes that his dad was likely letting him win. And a few minutes later, I win the game. And he's shocked. He doesn't understand, and his brother, who's two years older and was trying to help him, is also surprised that I won.

This popular idea that we will build a child’s confidence by letting them win at things is horribly misguided. It not only creates in them a false sense of their own ability, it hides from them the true nature of their parents and adults in general. And in so doing, we undermine what should be a natural ability to recognize and learn from us.

There is a natural hierarchy that flows from a simple recognition of seeing something for what it actually is. Your parents are better at most things because they’re older, more experienced, and wiser. You can trust them. They’ve got this until you get older. This is natural hierarchy, and it’s necessary for learning and growth. Only then can you happily, voluntarily submit to learn and listen.

Children have been artificially recognized, so fully, at such a young age, it’s scary. All the IG posts I see about the sage-like wisdom of someone’s 4-year-old. We are making our children into our Gods. It’s too much pressure. You need to look no further to find the source of the anxiety many of them are experiencing.

How "Catch Them Being Good" is a Myth

More often than not, the parenting strategy of “catching them being good” is a way to use approval and disapproval, and disguise it with a smile. There is no explicit approval, “I like when you ___” without implicit disapproval of the opposite choice, “I don't like when you ___.” All children know this. It’s like showing children one side of a coin and pretending there isn’t another. 

Let’s consider the effects of approval and disapproval as a way of raising and shaping our children. When approval is the motivator, conformity is what it encourages. On the other hand, some children are more motivated by power than approval, and will choose defiance over conformity. But these defiant children are no less free than the conforming child (take it from someone whose initial reaction to most everything was defiance for most of his life).

Neither defiant nor conforming children have developed a connection with their own independent feelings or consequently the world. Neither is proactive. One is conforming, one is reactive. 

Our job as parents is to help children to develop their own independent relationship with the world. Their wants, their relationships, their feelings and the feelings of others. 

The Raising Lions method helps conforming children become autonomous, independent thinkers, and helps defiant children become autonomous independent thinkers. All the while, developing a sense of mutual recognition as the foundation of connection and mental health. 

How giving a simple direction can create clarity

Quite often with a 3, 4 or 5-year-old there’s a lot of grey areas when they’re testing boundaries and you’re not sure a break is necessary – maybe he’s touching the baby’s face and he’s looking at you and he’s got this look in his eye like he’s thinking, “Can I do this?  How about this?  Am I making you nervous? What can I do before you say something?”

Typically, parents give ambiguous information in these moments, like, “Be careful. Your baby brother is very delicate so I need you to be gentle.” 

What is more effective in these moments is to give a clear action direction, “I need you to come and stand next to me for a moment.” Then if he’s not moving to follow your direction, count, “5…4…3…2…1…”.  And if he hasn’t come to you by the end of the count give him a break. If he does come to you, have him stay there for a moment and then either let him return or give him a direction to play somewhere else. 

This inserts a very clear map for him, and you, to follow in that moment. You’ve asked him for something specific and you’ve given him a clear timeline. He’ll begin to take your direction in these moments because he doesn’t want a break. 

It’s important that the parents aren’t threatening to do a break (so it’s not – “I need you to come over to me or I’m going to give you a break”) because we want him to generate this thought and self-prompt in this moment.

You say, “I need you to come and sit on the couch to play.” He ignores you and you say, “5…4…3…2…1…” then if he’s still not on the couch, and you say in a relaxed tone, “Oh, now I need you to take a break”. Now he looks up and says, “No, no, no! I’ll sit on the couch.” And you respond, “It’s no big deal. You take the break then you can go to the couch. Right now you have a short break.”

You follow this pattern because your goal is to have your child follow your directions when you give them. Once you have a break process in place you can give all kinds of other prompts because now he takes your words seriously. As you move forward you ask him to do what you need and if he doesn’t, you give him a break, or you count down and then give him a break. But you don’t always have to count down. 

You might simply ask your child to do something and then pause quietly for five seconds and then give the break. You don’t have to do it the same way each time because you want to keep him on his toes so he learns to hold an awareness of your needs. There’s no judgment in your tone with this, it’s easy, it’s fun, it’s playful – like your child. This speaks directly to the difference between punishments and consequences. 

You can begin by giving a clear direction then counting. A few days later you shift to pausing quietly for 5 seconds then giving the break. Inevitably, your child will say, “Wait! You didn’t count!” and you can tell him, “Well I’m not always going to count. I don’t want to work so hard. You know what happens after I give you a direction. I wait a few moments and then you get a break. Its no big deal, you take the break and you come right back.” The tone of voice you use and the lack of moralizing is the difference between punishment and consequence. You’re shifting from judgment and anger, which implies his actions are either good or bad, to good natured coaching with cause and effect.

There is often a misunderstanding that administering cause and effect without judgment is too soft, but it’s not, it’s actually more effective. When your child is very defiant you can give consequence after consequence after consequence and frustrate the heck out of him. But the more you frustrate him the more your tone should be sweet and empathetic so that your child focuses on the consequence of their choices rather than your judgment of them. 

Getting Your 2-Year-Old (or your 18-Year-Old) To Do Chores

The NPR blog Goats and Soda has been commenting on some research comparing Mayan and American child-rearing strategies. The finding of this research is that Mayan children participate in “adult” activities such as household chores from a very young age and seem capable of completing difficult tasks more easily than American children. So, to test it out, writer Michaeleen Doucleff tried the strategy on her 2 1/2 year old. It turns out that yes, her little one is capable of doing household chores and keeping up with it, too; as long as the writer gives her a manageable task. So children are capable of much more than we have expected of them, at least what we expect of them in American culture. Culture is complex and dynamic. and there are many aspects to this particular phenomenon. But the point here is this: your children are much more capable than you might think.

A couple of weeks ago, I published a video about this kind of activity. In it, I make cookies with a couple of 2 and 1/2 year old twins (aka adult actors that are fantastic at pretending to be two year olds). They are excited to participate, but maybe too excited to be productive. This doesn’t need to end in a stalemate! Doing complex activities can be learning experiences that end in a better-functioning family environment. Watch the video here:

Raising Lions for Teens: 2-for-1 Time

Joe Newman as a teenager with his adoptive dad, Ira.

I am often asked if the Raising Lions method works with teenagers as well as younger children. The answer is a resounding yes.

If you want to use the Raising Lions method with a teenager, the basic principles aren’t going to change. However, while you can help your 4 year old through a tantrum by giving them a holding break, you cannot reasonably do this with your 15 year old. Your teenager is not only physically grown, but they are also very capable of mapping out decision processes for themselves.

What doesn’t change, however, is the clear and direct structure of the protocol. The structure you are building has to have a clear endpoint. When you are in conflict, where do things end? Do you end in a stalemate or slammed doors? You do not want to be guessing and making up consequences in the middle of the conflict. Instead, you want consequences to be very clear and set out before conflicts even appear. The clearest way to do that is by using a tool I call 2-for-1 time.

2-for-1 time is simply this: if you don’t get what you need by a certain time, you start a timer and for every 1 minute the timer goes, 2 minutes are taken away from the resource your teen wants.

This applies to any needs your family might have: for example, you’re trying to get somewhere (school, church, event, etc.). Your child’s refusal to be ready on time is sort of holding you hostage, or making a problem for your family. When heading out of the house, for every minute your child is late, two minutes are taken from your child’s free time or tech time later that day.

There are a couple of different ways to use 2-for-1 time. One way is as a protocol as the last step of a cognitive map.

For instance, your child is cursing all of the time, and you don’t like this behavior. When they start to curse you tell them to take a 1 minute break, which turns into a 5 minute break, and if the 5 minute break isn’t taken, it turns into 2-for-1 time.

 The reason to put it into a protocol like this is that it creates a condition that you can repeat all the time. This map makes 2-for-1 time the end of the road in a cognitive map, and enables you to help your teen stop small behaviors you’d like to see them change.

Just as important as the 2-for-1 tool, and even more important with teenagers, is that alongside establishing a consistent protocol, try to shift your language surrounding these expectations from speech-making and lecturing towards giving your teen their own autonomy and open-ended dialogue. Allowing your child to make their own decisions and dealing with the natural consequences of those decisions themselves will help them to create their own autonomous identity.

Fix the Bedtime Routine, or: How to Get Everyone a Great Night's Sleep

While it is impossible to make a child go to sleep, it is much more possible to get them to put themselves in a position where they are likely to fall asleep. 

Typically, it is best to incorporate this strategy into what happens during the bedtime routine. 

For instance, if you read a book to your child, make sure that while you are reading the book, they are laying down completely under the covers and in their pajamas. 

You might have two parts of the reading every night, the first part you can do without requiring anything and the second part is the bonus reading which you can only do if they are laying down under the covers with their eyes closed. The bonus reading can only be had if they choose it. Now you have set up a scenario where they can autonomously choose the second "bonus" reading and you can help them put themselves in a position where they are very likely to fall asleep.

That conversation might sound like:

Ok, so we finished the regular reading. Do you want me to read the bonus section?

Yes!

Ok, so I need you to close your eyes and be under the covers and we can start the bonus reading.

I don't want to! I want to look at the pictures!

In the bonus reading, we can imagine the pictures. We don't have to have the bonus reading, but if you want the bonus reading you're going to have to close your eyes.

I don't want to close my eyes! I want to keep them open!

Well, you can keep your eyes open, but I can only do the bonus reading if your eyes are closed. If you want to keep your eyes open that's OK, I just can't do the bonus reading. I'll sit here with you for ten more minutes, but since it is sleep time, we can only sit quietly. 

The conversation with your child may continue a little further, but at this point you have established the contract of being under the covers with your eyes closed gets you more reading time and attention, whereas not being under the covers with eyes open gets no more reading time or attention. Wait ten minutes in the room for the first option to be chosen, and after that the window closes. While you are waiting, there is no need to talk further or engage the issue. Its not a big deal! They can choose to spend this ten minutes in a really boring way, or they can choose the bonus reading. After that, it is “lights out” time.

This tool that I’ve gone over here is a basic tool that I call "mapping" that I am going to talk more about in the 2nd edition of Raising Lions coming this winter.

Raising Lions Video Series Ep. 1: Darth Vader in Kindergarten

Check out the new video up on our YouTube channel!

In this new video, Joe discusses the process of using the Raising Lions method in the classroom, specifically on a challenging student in a kindergarten class.

Joe Newman on the goop Podcast

This week, the goop Podcast interviewed Joe in their episode "What Problem Kids are Trying to Teach Us." From the goop website:

"In this must-listen—whether or not you have or even want kids—Joe Newman, the author of Raising Lions, explains his simple, systems-based approach to conflict that could have a profound effect on our entire culture. And it starts with so-called problem children. Newman knows them well: He used to be one, a typical ADHD, disobedient type. Today, he’s able to connect with kids no one else seems able to reach, and he teaches his life-changing method to parents, family members, and educators. Newman’s perspective—on why things go off track, why so many of us were misjudged as kids, and why we continue to misunderstand kids today—challenges our preconceived notions of what it means to grow up."

Listen below or get the goop podcast at the goop website!